Outdated Shorties From October 2004
Either 636 B.C. or 1979
A treasure at the Polyp Museum is either real or a fake, according to experts.
*******************
Russian Diva Type Throws Russian Man in Front of Train
After years of silently protesting Anna Karenina’s legendary, if fictive, hurtle to her horrible death, Russian woman Leyna Lustravatavich grabbed Dmitri
Vaprynatolova by the seat of his pants and the scruff of his collar and pitched him headlong into an oncoming freight train.
*******************
Procrastinator v. Blocked Writer
In a standoff worthy of the O.K.-Corral, Hank Seward and Doyle Halverson plunged into forward movement today by getting into a fistfight at the corner of Elm and Main.
“It was real progress,” said Esther Luanne, the town gossip. She noted that the fistfight had begun at precisely high noon and was still in progress at press time.
*******************
Neighbors Stand by Man Handy With Uzi, Axe
While Anthony LaGranda was being arraigned for 27 counts of murder one down at the court house,” his neighbor Belle Kincaid was singing his praises as a light of the local community.
“He’s just is one of those people, who makes a difference, you know?” she said, twirling a lock of hair.
*******************
Power Snob Lunches With Beauty Snob
Lulu Darling and Pete Chisholm met for lunch this week, ostensibly to eat.
Onlookers took napkin notes, tallying each time Ms. Darling didn’t eye Mr. Chisholm’s tie, face, fingernail beds, pores, ear fuzz, or teeth.
Passersby didn’t absorb each joule of energy received by Mr. Chisholm in the wake of Ms. Darling’s dramatically-cadenced anecdotes and general amateur dramatics.
To the diners’ credit, no glassware was harmed during the course of lunch.
*******************
Mother of Child Mowed Down by Drunk Driver Assaults
Mother of Child Killed in World Trade Center Attacks
Union Square, N.Y.C—A scene erupted downtown today when Kathleen Santoro took a tear-filled swing and began beating Sabine Rosenthal with the blunt handle of a meat cleaver—cutting her own hand in the process.
“You got money! You got money!” Ms. Santoro screamed as people scattered to form a wide enough circle to watch. Mrs. Rosenthal’s 28-year-old daughter Jen, perished in the 2001 terrorist attack. She had received $10,018.38 from the Hope Committee.
Mrs. Santoro received no money from anybody or any organization after her son Frank was run over by a drunk driver who’d fallen asleep at the wheel. She did receive a condolence note from the driver on Smythson stationery.
How Mrs. Santoro discovered that Mrs. Rosenthal had received monies was anybody’s guess but it was certainly a sight to see a chase through the Greenmarket in broad daylight.
Rick Chin, an organic farmer from Caslon Falls, N.Y., offered Mrs. Rosenthal a cup of cold cider as she sped past. “The way they do at the Midnight Run on New Years' ,” he remarked to the flower seller in the next stall over.
Observing the dust-up from across the street was Margie Kellerman. Her twins were scattered like wild fire over Lockerbie, Scotland, thanks to the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103. Mrs. Kellerman was on her way to the Coffee Shop with Carole McDavies, in town from England. Mrs. McDavies’s husband Ed had been gunned down on his front doorstep by six members of the Irish Republican Army.
They took window seats at the Coffee Shop in hopes of getting the best view possible.
*******************
Boy Lights Cigarette and Face at Same Time
Sandoe, KY.--Stunt smoker Jimmy Tukulson, who has lit cigarettes in wind tunnels and tropical storms, achieved the ultimate lighting experience today. In his kitchen, he bent close to the gas jet, scorched up his hairy chin for almost 15 minutes, and then lighted his Camel from that proximate blaze.
“I call it the scorched-earth,” he told EMS workers as they rushed him to Baystead Hospital in hopes of treating the second-degree burn with a skin graft.
Before passing out, Tukulson told workers this was his best cigarette trick yet and how all the guys at school would be wigging out on Monday.
*******************
Cheney to Eat Dinner
Grand Central Terminal, N.Y.--The loudspeaker announced the departure of the 6:16 for New London before the voice of Dick Cheney came on to announce that he was heading to the gym and then to dinner with Henry Kissinger.
*******************
Isaac Mizrahi and Maira Kalman Kick Off
Nationwide Petition of Offended Designers
Overwhelming Response to Dover Area
School Board Decision
*******************
Citing Iraq, Bush Modifies Morning Time on the Crapper
Washington, D.C.—Citing wartime concerns, President Bush has broken from his usual 7:30 to 8 a.m. schedule on the crapper to the point where his time on the toilet is “unpredictable,” according to a White House aide. “Iraq is really at the forefront of his mind,” the aide said.
A Secret Service agent who would speak only on condition of anonymity confirmed the aide’s report. “Sometimes he’s there for a whole hour, other times for only 10 minutes,” the agent said.
The aide remarked that the alteration to the President’s lifetime constitutional is proving inspirational to fellow Republicans. “At least five Senators I know of are following the President’s lead here,” the aide said.
He declined to comment on whether the President’s bathroom reading material has undergone any significant changes over the past year.
A treasure at the Polyp Museum is either real or a fake, according to experts.
*******************
Russian Diva Type Throws Russian Man in Front of Train
After years of silently protesting Anna Karenina’s legendary, if fictive, hurtle to her horrible death, Russian woman Leyna Lustravatavich grabbed Dmitri
Vaprynatolova by the seat of his pants and the scruff of his collar and pitched him headlong into an oncoming freight train.
*******************
Procrastinator v. Blocked Writer
In a standoff worthy of the O.K.-Corral, Hank Seward and Doyle Halverson plunged into forward movement today by getting into a fistfight at the corner of Elm and Main.
“It was real progress,” said Esther Luanne, the town gossip. She noted that the fistfight had begun at precisely high noon and was still in progress at press time.
*******************
Neighbors Stand by Man Handy With Uzi, Axe
While Anthony LaGranda was being arraigned for 27 counts of murder one down at the court house,” his neighbor Belle Kincaid was singing his praises as a light of the local community.
“He’s just is one of those people, who makes a difference, you know?” she said, twirling a lock of hair.
*******************
Power Snob Lunches With Beauty Snob
Lulu Darling and Pete Chisholm met for lunch this week, ostensibly to eat.
Onlookers took napkin notes, tallying each time Ms. Darling didn’t eye Mr. Chisholm’s tie, face, fingernail beds, pores, ear fuzz, or teeth.
Passersby didn’t absorb each joule of energy received by Mr. Chisholm in the wake of Ms. Darling’s dramatically-cadenced anecdotes and general amateur dramatics.
To the diners’ credit, no glassware was harmed during the course of lunch.
*******************
Mother of Child Mowed Down by Drunk Driver Assaults
Mother of Child Killed in World Trade Center Attacks
Union Square, N.Y.C—A scene erupted downtown today when Kathleen Santoro took a tear-filled swing and began beating Sabine Rosenthal with the blunt handle of a meat cleaver—cutting her own hand in the process.
“You got money! You got money!” Ms. Santoro screamed as people scattered to form a wide enough circle to watch. Mrs. Rosenthal’s 28-year-old daughter Jen, perished in the 2001 terrorist attack. She had received $10,018.38 from the Hope Committee.
Mrs. Santoro received no money from anybody or any organization after her son Frank was run over by a drunk driver who’d fallen asleep at the wheel. She did receive a condolence note from the driver on Smythson stationery.
How Mrs. Santoro discovered that Mrs. Rosenthal had received monies was anybody’s guess but it was certainly a sight to see a chase through the Greenmarket in broad daylight.
Rick Chin, an organic farmer from Caslon Falls, N.Y., offered Mrs. Rosenthal a cup of cold cider as she sped past. “The way they do at the Midnight Run on New Years' ,” he remarked to the flower seller in the next stall over.
Observing the dust-up from across the street was Margie Kellerman. Her twins were scattered like wild fire over Lockerbie, Scotland, thanks to the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103. Mrs. Kellerman was on her way to the Coffee Shop with Carole McDavies, in town from England. Mrs. McDavies’s husband Ed had been gunned down on his front doorstep by six members of the Irish Republican Army.
They took window seats at the Coffee Shop in hopes of getting the best view possible.
*******************
Boy Lights Cigarette and Face at Same Time
Sandoe, KY.--Stunt smoker Jimmy Tukulson, who has lit cigarettes in wind tunnels and tropical storms, achieved the ultimate lighting experience today. In his kitchen, he bent close to the gas jet, scorched up his hairy chin for almost 15 minutes, and then lighted his Camel from that proximate blaze.
“I call it the scorched-earth,” he told EMS workers as they rushed him to Baystead Hospital in hopes of treating the second-degree burn with a skin graft.
Before passing out, Tukulson told workers this was his best cigarette trick yet and how all the guys at school would be wigging out on Monday.
*******************
Cheney to Eat Dinner
Grand Central Terminal, N.Y.--The loudspeaker announced the departure of the 6:16 for New London before the voice of Dick Cheney came on to announce that he was heading to the gym and then to dinner with Henry Kissinger.
*******************
Isaac Mizrahi and Maira Kalman Kick Off
Nationwide Petition of Offended Designers
Overwhelming Response to Dover Area
School Board Decision
*******************
Citing Iraq, Bush Modifies Morning Time on the Crapper
Washington, D.C.—Citing wartime concerns, President Bush has broken from his usual 7:30 to 8 a.m. schedule on the crapper to the point where his time on the toilet is “unpredictable,” according to a White House aide. “Iraq is really at the forefront of his mind,” the aide said.
A Secret Service agent who would speak only on condition of anonymity confirmed the aide’s report. “Sometimes he’s there for a whole hour, other times for only 10 minutes,” the agent said.
The aide remarked that the alteration to the President’s lifetime constitutional is proving inspirational to fellow Republicans. “At least five Senators I know of are following the President’s lead here,” the aide said.
He declined to comment on whether the President’s bathroom reading material has undergone any significant changes over the past year.
posted by Elizabeth Manus at 11:47 PM
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